Fourteen years later I once again have a horse who won't see another winter. He is the third horse I have had to make the decision for. It's not easier.
I started this blog at a time when we were starting to talk about euthanasia openly. The dominant response at the time was "you should try..." as the socially acceptable thing was to do absolutely everything you could to keep the animal alive as long as possible. Now we talk more about quality of life and recognize that there is a point at which treatments only prolong suffering. This makes it easier to talk about, but no easier to decide.
I wrote this blog. I made those decisions. I keep the lessons around endings close. I reread that blog post. I trust myself to know my horse, and I make the decision.
And I cry. I feel guilty for not being able to fix him. I feel cheated out of the future we were supposed to have (he's fifteen). I feel alone as I stand on the edge and see what precious part of my life I am about to lose. I question myself, even as I know I'm making the right decision. I desperately hope nothing catastrophic happens before that chosen end date. I hide my sorrow at impending loss and try to do things he likes.
Yes, I still feel all of that even with previous experiences. So I can say to you - Trust yourself. You do know.
