You Were Well Loved.

It seems like yesterday. It seems like forever

That we met, that we have been together.

The times that we shared, the lessons we learned

From one, from the other, that shape who we are now,

We carry forward on our separate ways into the future.

.

I can no more force enduring life upon you

Than I can ask you to endure a life of pain

Because I am not ready to see you go.

I am not ready. I will never be ready.

And so I give you the last gift I have to give.

.

With human logic and power of reasoning

I can see the time to help you go is now.

I can help you pass in peace with dignity

Sending my wishes that your next wheel

Brings good fortune denied upon this turn.

.

And when you stand before our maker

Present my heartfelt thanks for the time we shared, you and I.

When you speak of the life you just lived

Stand tall, stand proud and know with certainty

You were well loved. You will be missed.

Looking for Memories

Time heals. The raw immediacy of the final moments fades and slips behind the older memories of happier times.

I pulled out some old photo albums last night and looked at pictures of our first years together. They pulled up old memories and made me smile.

I remember after my first horse went, once the tearing loss had eased I made a point of recalling some incident from his life every time the memory of his death came up. I'm not quite there yet, but soon I hope. Experience tells me it will help.

The Power of a Grazing Horse

Today was harder than yesterday. I kept falling into the hole and finding the memory of his last moments. My eyes are burning.

Maybe being tired contributed, but I went to bed late for fear of waking at two am again and lying sleepless for hours. I slept well last night - if not long enough. Before I went to sleep I took the video camera and watched the silly video I shot in the last couple of weeks. My horse eating his grain. My horse drinking. My horse walking out into his pasture. My horse grazing. It was this last one that settled my mind and let me relax into sleep. Watching him graze and hearing the rip of grass and munching really must be as good as stroking a cat.

Tears came again when I got home and found a sympathy card from the vet and clinic staff. Maybe it's standard operating procedure, but it still shows they do care and it means a lot to me that someone took the time to write in the card and send it off.

My friends have emailed and called, and their support helps too. I can't talk about it yet without losing my voice, but just knowing they're there once I can talk is comforting.

In thinking so much about him I find that I have not one regret in our last days together. Nor do I feel any doubt that it was the right time to help him go. I am glad I took the silly videos and took far too many photos of not much. I do have some old video from his competition days, but I don't find myself wanting to watch it yet. I want to watch the video of him grazing.

Waiting for Time

It's not over for me. My horse is free of the pain that has been his close companion for the past years, but I'm still walking carefully around the edges of the hole in my heart and keep falling into it at unexpected moments. Tears burn the raw skin on my face. I don't know how many times I fell into that hole today.

I managed to walk past the place he went down several times without noticing, but the last time I went and stopped near the scars his hooves made in the grass, remembered and allowed the tears to come.

Compulsively checking his field for him has been a part of my mornings for the last months - today I looked away.

I find myself managing to get on with things and lose myself in tasks. I even managed to ride without slipping into the hole. Then I start thinking of things I need to do, and I come round to thanking those who helped me yesterday and before I know it the tears are falling again.

I have no doubt that I let him go at the right time. There are no more questions about it. Now is waiting for time to heal. For time to let the hole fill with memories and bury the raw wound of yesterday. For time that will allow the first memories to be of his life and not of his death.

Time to go

I went out really early this morning. I brought him up to the barn and groomed him before taking him out to graze. When I took his blanket off I had to think about what I ought to do with it so I wouldn't have to think about it later.

We had a good long time out in the field. At first all I could think about was the future. It occured to me after a bit that hand grazing a horse must be like stroking a cat for horsepeople - it's very calming. After a time I started remembering pieces of our past and then deliberately went searching for more memories from our earliest years and all through our fifteen years together. The tears went as I leaned against him and wandered through memory.

I talked to him a little bit. About the lessons he'd taught me, the good times we had, and that he should hold to his incredible courage and knowledge that I love him when he goes. But mostly I just watched him eat and let the memories come.

The vet was later than expected, but I am glad we had that extra time to go through the future and come back to the past. When I saw the vet's truck coming up the road I said to my horse "Come on. It's time to go."

He was ready. He didn't fight the drugs at all, and I stayed with him telling him that he could let go of the pain, he should go on now, and that I loved him.

Coming down to the Last Times

The last ride. The last day. The last time any given thing occurs. It's tough.

I remember how hard the final day was with my first horse, but I'd forgotten how the few days preceding were difficult in their own way. The sadness at the thought of "last time". Trying to get just one more good picture. Trying not to allow the grief through for fear of upsetting my horse.

Final days

Less than a handful of days left now. Each day offering a chance for time spent with my horse. Tears are closer to the surface now and spring up with little warning. Other parts of my life are being somewhat neglected, but this is his time now. It is limited.

When I'm with him I can mostly keep the tears at bay and just live in the moment with him. I took him out for some grass yesterday, but unfortunately the weather was unsettled and he was too on edge to enjoy it so I had to cut the time short. He doesn't need to be stressed about anything if I can prevent it.

I keep imagining what's going to happen when the vet comes. Having gone through it with my first horse I can see details that I couldn't before. I hope he goes as quickly and peacefully as my first horse.