Waiting for Time

It's not over for me. My horse is free of the pain that has been his close companion for the past years, but I'm still walking carefully around the edges of the hole in my heart and keep falling into it at unexpected moments. Tears burn the raw skin on my face. I don't know how many times I fell into that hole today.

I managed to walk past the place he went down several times without noticing, but the last time I went and stopped near the scars his hooves made in the grass, remembered and allowed the tears to come.

Compulsively checking his field for him has been a part of my mornings for the last months - today I looked away.

I find myself managing to get on with things and lose myself in tasks. I even managed to ride without slipping into the hole. Then I start thinking of things I need to do, and I come round to thanking those who helped me yesterday and before I know it the tears are falling again.

I have no doubt that I let him go at the right time. There are no more questions about it. Now is waiting for time to heal. For time to let the hole fill with memories and bury the raw wound of yesterday. For time that will allow the first memories to be of his life and not of his death.

Final days

Less than a handful of days left now. Each day offering a chance for time spent with my horse. Tears are closer to the surface now and spring up with little warning. Other parts of my life are being somewhat neglected, but this is his time now. It is limited.

When I'm with him I can mostly keep the tears at bay and just live in the moment with him. I took him out for some grass yesterday, but unfortunately the weather was unsettled and he was too on edge to enjoy it so I had to cut the time short. He doesn't need to be stressed about anything if I can prevent it.

I keep imagining what's going to happen when the vet comes. Having gone through it with my first horse I can see details that I couldn't before. I hope he goes as quickly and peacefully as my first horse.