It Is Almost Time

Almost time to start putting together his scrapbook - the little one answering the question "Who was he?" I went through the hundreds of photos from our years together and pulled out many that I thought I might use. In the last week or two I've gone through those stacks again and again, trying to thin them out, to choose only those photos that show him the way he was.

I did try out the photolab's collage software about a month ago. I took a lot of the close up photos and a few "normal" pictures of him and put together an 8x10" collage. I found the software limiting in some ways, but the result is quite nice. I arranged for it to be laminated and just got it back last week (some difficulties with a new transport company caused quite a delay). It's really nice and will go up on my wall shortly.

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I almost cleaned his halter the other night too. Eight months later and I'm almost at the point of being able to put his memorials together. Time heals, and healing must not be rushed.

Waiting for Time

It's not over for me. My horse is free of the pain that has been his close companion for the past years, but I'm still walking carefully around the edges of the hole in my heart and keep falling into it at unexpected moments. Tears burn the raw skin on my face. I don't know how many times I fell into that hole today.

I managed to walk past the place he went down several times without noticing, but the last time I went and stopped near the scars his hooves made in the grass, remembered and allowed the tears to come.

Compulsively checking his field for him has been a part of my mornings for the last months - today I looked away.

I find myself managing to get on with things and lose myself in tasks. I even managed to ride without slipping into the hole. Then I start thinking of things I need to do, and I come round to thanking those who helped me yesterday and before I know it the tears are falling again.

I have no doubt that I let him go at the right time. There are no more questions about it. Now is waiting for time to heal. For time to let the hole fill with memories and bury the raw wound of yesterday. For time that will allow the first memories to be of his life and not of his death.

Solar Energy

I took my horse's blanket off last night as the forecast is for several rain-free days. The nights are going to be cold, but he has shelter and will fluff up his coat to keep warm. The blanket he has doesn't fit properly, is badly designed and is the backup - though at this point it's more waterproof than the "good" blanket so he has to wear it when we get rain. He'd be due for a new blanket this year, but...

Today was a beautifully sunny day. The breeze was cool, but as long as I was moving around it was quite comfortable. I saw my horse snoozing in the sun, soaking up the rays before I brought him in and groomed him carefully.

I did ride today. We just walked around the hayfields and I let him grab mouthfuls of green stuff almost as much as he wanted. We have an arrangement that allows him to eat during rides (when invited) as long as he keeps walking. By this point he is very good at it. The green is starting to wilt after several nights with frost, but it's still green and apparently tasty enough. I greatly enjoyed the meander.

I told two more people today and invited them out to say their goodbyes. Two more to go and then I think that's everyone who needs to see him before the end. I am trying very hard to not count days. To not stress about telling the last few friends. To not let anything slip when I'm out with him around the barn. And most of all to not allow a nice day to go by without spending a large chunk of time with him.