Today was harder than yesterday. I kept falling into the hole and finding the memory of his last moments. My eyes are burning.
Maybe being tired contributed, but I went to bed late for fear of waking at two am again and lying sleepless for hours. I slept well last night - if not long enough. Before I went to sleep I took the video camera and watched the silly video I shot in the last couple of weeks. My horse eating his grain. My horse drinking. My horse walking out into his pasture. My horse grazing. It was this last one that settled my mind and let me relax into sleep. Watching him graze and hearing the rip of grass and munching really must be as good as stroking a cat.
Tears came again when I got home and found a sympathy card from the vet and clinic staff. Maybe it's standard operating procedure, but it still shows they do care and it means a lot to me that someone took the time to write in the card and send it off.
My friends have emailed and called, and their support helps too. I can't talk about it yet without losing my voice, but just knowing they're there once I can talk is comforting.
In thinking so much about him I find that I have not one regret in our last days together. Nor do I feel any doubt that it was the right time to help him go. I am glad I took the silly videos and took far too many photos of not much. I do have some old video from his competition days, but I don't find myself wanting to watch it yet. I want to watch the video of him grazing.