I went out really early this morning. I brought him up to the barn and groomed him before taking him out to graze. When I took his blanket off I had to think about what I ought to do with it so I wouldn't have to think about it later.
We had a good long time out in the field. At first all I could think about was the future. It occured to me after a bit that hand grazing a horse must be like stroking a cat for horsepeople - it's very calming. After a time I started remembering pieces of our past and then deliberately went searching for more memories from our earliest years and all through our fifteen years together. The tears went as I leaned against him and wandered through memory.
I talked to him a little bit. About the lessons he'd taught me, the good times we had, and that he should hold to his incredible courage and knowledge that I love him when he goes. But mostly I just watched him eat and let the memories come.
The vet was later than expected, but I am glad we had that extra time to go through the future and come back to the past. When I saw the vet's truck coming up the road I said to my horse "Come on. It's time to go."
He was ready. He didn't fight the drugs at all, and I stayed with him telling him that he could let go of the pain, he should go on now, and that I loved him.